Postpartum Depression; You Are Not Alone!

Picture courtesy of: Pixy E

Six weeks after the birth of my amazing baby girl, who I had wanted and waited for for years, something weird happened. Something changed and it wasn't good.

My mother had often told me about the baby blues and that I should expect some feelings of sadness for a little while. But, what I was feeling was something different. I knew that something was strange about what I was feeling and that it wasn't just the baby blues.

I got up in the middle of the night. Both my husband and my daughter were sound asleep. I woke my husband and asked him if it felt really hot in our room. He grumbled a sleepy "no" and quickly went back to sleep. I quickly got out of bed because I felt this rush of heat througout my body.It felt like what I would call a cold sweat.

I sat in my bathroom on the floor, and as soon as the hot flash went away, it felt like all my feelings vaporized! They were gone! Someone had turned the emotion switch to the "off" position. I did eventually fall asleep that night and woke up the next morning with the saddest feeling I had ever felt. I felt like I wanted to die, but there was no reason for this feeling. I had the family I had always wanted and had every reason to be happy.

Instinctively, I knew what this feeling was. It was Postpartum Depression (PPD.) I just knew it! And, immediately along with the depression, it's best friend anxiety came along to visit and stayed fotr the duration. Soon, I began not to be able to recognize myself in the mirror. Later, after much research and getting help, I found out I was one of the women that suffered from depersonalization (dp.) Dp is a feeling of detachment from yourself, not feeling quite normal. You also feel as though you are watching scenes in your life instead of participating in your life situations. It also felt, from time to time, that my soul didn't fill up my entire body. Strange stuff. But, I knew these were all symptoms of my PPD.

I was not one that had intrusive thoughts, although that is incredibly common with PPD, I think maybe more so than Dp. These untrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts about bad things happening to your child, either by someone else or by your own hand.

But, it is very important to mention, that women who suffer from this, DO NOT want to hurt their babies. These thoughts, therefore, are incredibly disturbing for these loving moms who can't understand why they are thinking these things. There is also a fear that they might actually hurt their babies. Please know that It doesn't happen! Again, please know that this is a symptom of this horrible mood disorder PPD.

Also, it is good to note that the crazy stories that you read about women killing their babies are most likely from women suffering from Postpartum Psychosis(PPP.)

So back to my story. I began to call every psychiatrist in the yellow pages. I was astounded to find that there was very little knowledge and help out there for this type of disorder. Some psychiatrists even questioned whether I had a family history of schizophrenia! As a social worker, I knew that my demographic information and zero family history did not equate into a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

So, I kept looking for doctors, all the while researching everything I could about PPD. I read many biographies of women who had suffered with PPD , their struggles, quest for help, and finally, them getting better. And, make no mistake, WE ALL GET BETTER!
In my feverish quest, I also found a couple great support groups that were amazing. One group in particular,was a life saver for me. I will put a link to their website below.

Finally, after much searching, I found a doctor who ran a PPD support group in my area. She also became my psychiatrist. She did end up prescribing me medication for depression and anxiety, although finding the perfect depression medication was a struggle at first.

Also, on this note, I would like to mention something about PPD and medication.Not all women need medication to treat their PPD. This mood disorder can be likened to Diabetes in that while some women need medication to treat the disorder, some women can control their symptoms with diet and exercise, just like some diabetics. Medication just happened to be the best course of action for me. It may not be for you. That is something that you and your health professional need to decide.

In the end, I suffered with PPD for 15 months. It will not necessarily be that long for you. Each situation is different. The one thing that remains the same is that with help, you ALWAYS GET BETTER! So, please I beg of you, do not despair! There is help out there!

I won't lie, there were days that I felt so sad that I didn't know if I could go on. Clinical depression is strong and can take a strong hold on you! But, I held on to hope and the love of my family. I always had, what I called, a picture in my head of a single grain of glowing gold sand that I called, the last grain of hope. I saw it every time I closed my eyes.

I was also lucky that my daughter was my ray of hope. I never felt detached from her, as some moms do (but, please know that if you do feel detached, you are not a bad mom! You are suffering from a disorder and this too will get better!)

Anyhow, I was able to care for my daughter while my husband was at work. But, as soon as he came through the door, I would hand her over to him. I would almost collapse in exhaustion. It took all my emotional and physical strength to care for her every day. I was also lucky because I had a lot of support.

So ladies, I am telling you this story to confirm that you are not alone, and for you to hear that there is help out there! And,for you to know that it will get better!
Below I will put some signs and symptoms of PPD and the support group that I mentioned earlier. They helped me immensely. They were a great help, even if it was just to know that I wasn't crazy and I wasn't alone.
This post is a labor of love for me (pun intended.) It is for all of you ladies out there that may be suffering. I hope that you now know that there is help available to you, and you do not have to do this alone.  Please reach out!  I would be happy to talk to anyone , if you have questions for me, please comment below and where I can find you to talk to you further, or I will just comment below,with my answer, if you prefer. I hope this has helped, even just one women. If so, it has been worth it! Namaste. I love you all!

Signs and symptoms:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/postpartum-depression/DS00546/DSECTION=symptoms
(some symptoms of PPD)

• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia
• Intense irritability and anger
• Overwhelming fatigue
• Loss of interest in sex
• Lack of joy in life
• Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
• Severe mood swings
• Difficulty bonding with your baby
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

 Signs and symptoms of Postpartum Psychosis (PPP)

• Confusion and disorientation
• Hallucinations and delusions
• Paranoia
• Attempts to harm yourself or your baby

When you should see a doctor

• Don't fade after two weeks
• Are getting worse
• Make it hard for you to care for your baby
• Make it hard to complete everyday tasks
• Include thoughts of harming yourself or your baby 

*All information abouve about PPD, PPP and When to see a docot are courtesy of Mayoclinic.com


*Help Resources:*
http://ppdsupportpage.com/
A great book about PPD, Down Came the Rain by: Brooke Shields.
Find me on Facebook at Katherine Meyer.

*Coming soon...Youtube video. I will be answering questions about my experience with PPD. I will put up link when it is complete. Stay tuned. TY